I Ponder

"Every year or so I start pondering at how silly the whole God thing is. Every Christian knows they will deal with doubt. And they will. But when it comes it seems so very real and frightening, as if your entire universe is going to fall apart. I remember a specific time when I was laying there in bed thinking about the absurdity of my belief. God. Who believes in God? It all seems so very silly." --Donald Miller Blue Like Jazz 


"My most recent faith struggle is not one of intellect. I don't really do that anymore. Sooner or later you just  figure out there are some guys who don't believe in God and they can prove He doesn't exist, and some other guys who do believe in God and they can prove He does exist, and the argument stopped being about God a long time ago and now it's about who is smarter, and honestly I don't care." --Donald Miller Blue Like Jazz 


Listening to Jason Mraz. "Life is Wonderful"
Most of his lyrics are so out there. They seem so deep, but I don't think most of us even know what he is talking about.
I like this line though. "And it takes no time to fall in love. But it takes you years to know what love is."

Ode

Oh writer's block
you are so smelly and I hate you
oh procrastination
I love you, but you are stupid and a pain to my gluteus

   I have college essays to write
Duh

Pull Me Under

surrounded by death, I want to be relieved
surrounded by stresses, I want to be rescued
I cannot withstand my life how it is
pull me under
give me some rest
anything has to be better than this
surrounded by people, I want to be alone
surrounded by the loneliness, I want someone to care
pull me under
I'm tired of this
I want to feel the love--whatever that feels like
I will dive
doesn't matter if I sink or swim
as long as I am far from this state
where ever you're going, take me with you

Shadow of Death

Well it has been a stressful week. I received the news last Saturday that Joey Dado (Latrobe graduate) went missing. He was last seen leaving a frat party at penn state 3 in the morning, and he did not return to his dorm. My initial thoughts were, "Not to worry, they'll find him." I didn't think that this was an actual serious situation, but then I got to thinking, "This could be bad." I can't imagine what his parents and 3 sisters must be going through. No one knows where Joe is.

Sunday morning. My mom wakes me up before my alarm goes off. I was supposed to film Pastor Mark's service that morning. She says, "Chelsea, will you go to the vet with us? I'm going to take Hunter (my black lab) there." I asked why but decided it wasn't important because I would go. She started crying saying she didn't want to do this alone. Then I knew what she meant. We were taking him to the vet to be put down.

My dog is old. So this didn't quite come as a shock. He would be 13 in January. But being an emotional girl, memories of him flooded my mind. He had been my dog for 12.5 years. I'm only 18. That is 2/3 of my life, 3/4 of Natalie's life, 4/7 of Katie's life, and 1/2 of my parents' marriage. So.. this sucks a little bit.

This was the first time I ever watched something die. I don't really want to relive this memory.

It was a rough day- though I had friends to surround me. That was nice.

Joe Dado is still missing.

Monday. Still mourning my dog, I was styling greasy hair, glasses, flip flops and sweat pants. This was also..not a good day.

I get home. As of 6:00 Joe Dado is still missing. An hour later, Joe Dado is pronounced dead. I immediately rushed to my church. There I find a swarm of people just gathering..to sob basically. Joe was a little drunk. He fell down a stairwell. He suffered from head trauma and died.

Our whole school has been in mourning this past week. It been a sad couple of days. Yesterday was his viewing. There were hundreds there. We stood an hour in line. This was also a painful day. I had never seen a teenager in a casket before. Looking at the hundreds of pictures that were displayed was hard to deal with, but also comforting.

The funeral was this morning. I played at it. I was honored that I was asked. It was definitely the largest audience I had ever had. Hundreds there. I was overwhelmed with pain and sorrow. Seeing so many people there--I could feel their pain. But seeing so many there also gave me comfort. We were grieving the loss, but we were celebrating life.

Joey lived an amazing life. A short life, but he had an impact. The people that show up to his viewing and funeral were proof of that. He was intelligent, a star athlete, a family man, and loved by everyone. Joe lived a wonderful life.

Joey Dado. In loving memory. We love you, we miss you. Your family is in our prayers.

"The righteous man perishes, and no one lays it to heart; devout men are taken away, while no one understands. For the righteous man is taken away from calamity; he enters into peace; they rest in their beds who walk in their uprightness." Isaiah 57:1-2

"'What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand.'" John 13:7

"Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death where is your sting?" 1 Corinthians 15:55

"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials," 1 Peter 1:6

"He will swallow up death forever; and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces, and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth." Isaiah 25:8

Realizations

What if I had given everything?

I want to love you, I'm just not good at it.

This world has nothing for me

Rants from a bleeding swollen person

Well hey, since I'm here with nothing to do, let me rant on my summer of 2009. Oh it's been quite the experience. 

It's been quite the lonely summer, and I'm not looking for pity.. I would just like to get it out.

Summer. Well spring is about the time where most couples break-up. It is predictable and almost laughable that everyone knows its coming except for them. But summer is the time where new relationships form. First couple weeks of June I wanted to vomit of how many new couples I saw. Not only did I see them together all the time, I wasn't just nauseated, I was jealous. I knew that that should have been me joining the love-fest. Because hey, I had a new boyfriend too. But the "benefits" of long distance, weren't pleasing me. 

Appalchian Service Project. I was blessed with a wicked awesome group. I knew all of them before, but being forced to hang out with them for a week was the best thing for me. I love getting to know people that you've always known but never had the chance to really know them. I am grateful for ASP. 

Pastor is fired. Not a fun experience either considering he was the only adult that I trusted to go to for everything (not that I did, but I knew he was always there). 

Vacation came and gone. Nothing to report. Creation came and gone. Made a friend or two. 

Break up with the boyfriend. One of the most difficult things for me to do, and one of the most difficult months had to follow because of it. My July month was spent in agony missing him. But hey, eat a tub of ice cream, cry a little bit, and surely I'd be okay right? Whatever.

Kingsfest. Birthday (celebrated too many times but I'm thankful for the people that surround me). 

Advanced Music Seminar. You meet a lot of snots when you're surrounded by music majors. I praise God that I was able to tag along with some old acquaintances--we had a good time and are good friends. 

I have two auditions coming up. My August month is going to be spent slaving over AP homework, college searching and cello practicing. If I do well in the one audition, I'll be saved and will get to spend time with some old friends. If I blow it, that leaves me to the second audition where I will be left with no friends at all and cellists (along with other instrumentalists) that suck.

But here I am. Wisdom teeth were removed yesterday. I'm happy that the bleeding stopped this morning so I don't have to spend a day with bloody gauze in my mouth. However, my mouth is sore and I still have the awkward gaping holes at four corners of my mouth. I'd love to have solid food. Or food at all. I got to drink chicken broth. Not even the noodles. They get stuck in the holes. So my food is liquid. Yum. 

But I'm left to ponder my summer. Basically my social life in general. Not looking so hot. All of my social engagements have been pre-planned for me. I haven't seen my school friends.. since school. I see my church friends at various church events. But other than this, I haven't called up a friend and asked just to hang out. Well, I have with one person, but people ask if that's even appropriate since he has a girl friend. But at this point I don't care because he is the only person that expresses interest to hang out. 

I haven't had time for any of my friends or my ex (pre and post break-up). I feel horrible about it, but I don't really know what I can do. I'm still busy.. as always. Is there something I can do about this? The one friend I called to take to a concert still won't RSVP to it even though I remind her practically everyday. I'm feeling a little pathetic. 

I'm done ranting for now. I can come up with plenty more but it doesn't exactly tie in with the rest of these sad stories. So I will leave that for another time.

Again. Don't feel pity for me. I'm just bored, bloody, and swollen. 

Out of My Hands

Today I went to church and our youth did a bunch of trust activities: trusting each other to catch us when we fall, letting each other lead us blindly, etc. 

We had a discussion at the end of the session. Do we trust God? If you had a family to support and was fired from your job, would you trust God to provide for you until you found a new job? I sure as heck wouldn't. Do I bring every problem I have to God? No. 

Sure I hate physical pain-but it's a lot easier to trust God with that and nothing else. I want the feeling that I have control over my life. I've grown accustomed to it. 

I come home to get the mail. Behold. AP test scores are in. I had been waiting for them ever since I took the test in May. I was so excited to get them because for some reason I knew I would be pleased with what I would find. 

Once the envelope was in my hand, I instantly panicked. I was scared to open it. The suspense kills me, I rip it open and read the letter of suck-age. I bombed my test. The paper had "you suck at life" written all over it. 

This wasn't the only unfortunate thing to happen to me this summer. My summer is full of unfortunate happenings. Did I go to God? Nah. I'd like to think I did. I've made many decisions lately that I thought I could handle on my own. 

This is where I'd like it to end. Here and now. I'm making the commitment. 

Jesus Rant

God, You have come into my life,
You changed me.
I am aware of Your unfailing love.
Your love is firm and unchanging
Your love is forever
Your love is forever.
Your love cannot be measured.
I can't pull out my ruler and measure its distance
I can't calculate how dense it is
I can't see it but I know its there.
Your love goes on forever--to the ends of the earth and beyond.
Lord, you are wonderful and I adore You.
You loved me before you created me
No human can fully understand you love.

Love is all
Love is You
I've been so far from your love... I hardly recognized.
It is good to be back home.
This is going to last
It is a love that lasts forever
Undying love that calls to me
Words are just flowing when i feel you Lord
Love is You

You will not reject me
I WILL NOT be rejected
I will not be rejected
Whether I come to you needing you more than ever
or when I can't stand you most
You are there with your arms wide open.

You are the Possible 
You are my Everything
You are the Way
You are the Truth
You are the Light
You are my Path

You fill my cup
My cup overflows
You have opened my eyes to you
I want to see the world through you eyes
I want to see as you see
I want to see your Glory
I want to see the Chariots of Fire

I want to praise you all of my days
You have captured my heart
and I know You're the only One who makes me complete
You make my soul sing you set me free
You make me move You make me dane
You're the air I breathe

I am a liar
I am a cheater
I am a thief
I disobey
I am a Sinner
And I am Forgiven

I want to be like you
I want to live like You
I want to walk and talk like you
I want to deliver your word to everyone I see

You came into this darkened world and you put the Light to my feet
You have shown me the Way
I choose You
I choose Your narrow path
I will make it to the End
I want to be beside you in heaven
I dare Satan himself to try and stop me
The devil has NOTHING on me

God, You look into my heart and feel my passion for You
I pray to be with You
I want to touch you
I want to hear your voice
I will follow you forever
Whatever it takes
I have chosen Your way
I give myself completely to you
I bow down before you
I raise my trembling hands

You are my Lord
My Savior
My King
My Father
You are my Shepherd
My Protector
My Leader
My Companion
You comfort me
You're the Famous One
You're the Lord of Lords
The King of Kings
The Almighty
Emmanuel
Rock 
Sword
Shield
Prince of Peace
My Saving Grace
The Beginning and the End
Alpha and the Omega
The Lamb
The Ancient of DAys
My Messiah
My Redeemer
And my best friend
My best friend
You reign forever

Lord, even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death 
I will fear no evil
You said every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that You are Lord
You saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now am found
Was blind but now I see
I see
It's all About You
It's all About You
Amen
Amen