Realizations

What if I had given everything?

I want to love you, I'm just not good at it.

This world has nothing for me

Rants from a bleeding swollen person

Well hey, since I'm here with nothing to do, let me rant on my summer of 2009. Oh it's been quite the experience. 

It's been quite the lonely summer, and I'm not looking for pity.. I would just like to get it out.

Summer. Well spring is about the time where most couples break-up. It is predictable and almost laughable that everyone knows its coming except for them. But summer is the time where new relationships form. First couple weeks of June I wanted to vomit of how many new couples I saw. Not only did I see them together all the time, I wasn't just nauseated, I was jealous. I knew that that should have been me joining the love-fest. Because hey, I had a new boyfriend too. But the "benefits" of long distance, weren't pleasing me. 

Appalchian Service Project. I was blessed with a wicked awesome group. I knew all of them before, but being forced to hang out with them for a week was the best thing for me. I love getting to know people that you've always known but never had the chance to really know them. I am grateful for ASP. 

Pastor is fired. Not a fun experience either considering he was the only adult that I trusted to go to for everything (not that I did, but I knew he was always there). 

Vacation came and gone. Nothing to report. Creation came and gone. Made a friend or two. 

Break up with the boyfriend. One of the most difficult things for me to do, and one of the most difficult months had to follow because of it. My July month was spent in agony missing him. But hey, eat a tub of ice cream, cry a little bit, and surely I'd be okay right? Whatever.

Kingsfest. Birthday (celebrated too many times but I'm thankful for the people that surround me). 

Advanced Music Seminar. You meet a lot of snots when you're surrounded by music majors. I praise God that I was able to tag along with some old acquaintances--we had a good time and are good friends. 

I have two auditions coming up. My August month is going to be spent slaving over AP homework, college searching and cello practicing. If I do well in the one audition, I'll be saved and will get to spend time with some old friends. If I blow it, that leaves me to the second audition where I will be left with no friends at all and cellists (along with other instrumentalists) that suck.

But here I am. Wisdom teeth were removed yesterday. I'm happy that the bleeding stopped this morning so I don't have to spend a day with bloody gauze in my mouth. However, my mouth is sore and I still have the awkward gaping holes at four corners of my mouth. I'd love to have solid food. Or food at all. I got to drink chicken broth. Not even the noodles. They get stuck in the holes. So my food is liquid. Yum. 

But I'm left to ponder my summer. Basically my social life in general. Not looking so hot. All of my social engagements have been pre-planned for me. I haven't seen my school friends.. since school. I see my church friends at various church events. But other than this, I haven't called up a friend and asked just to hang out. Well, I have with one person, but people ask if that's even appropriate since he has a girl friend. But at this point I don't care because he is the only person that expresses interest to hang out. 

I haven't had time for any of my friends or my ex (pre and post break-up). I feel horrible about it, but I don't really know what I can do. I'm still busy.. as always. Is there something I can do about this? The one friend I called to take to a concert still won't RSVP to it even though I remind her practically everyday. I'm feeling a little pathetic. 

I'm done ranting for now. I can come up with plenty more but it doesn't exactly tie in with the rest of these sad stories. So I will leave that for another time.

Again. Don't feel pity for me. I'm just bored, bloody, and swollen.